My holiday damper

Thanksgiving with Mark's family was great! It was wonderful to be with everyone and in traditional form, it was exceptionally relaxing!! I don't think Mark and I left the house once from when we arrived until we left, except to take a walk on Thanksgiving day. Friday was pretty fun because we never got out of our pjs and watched the entire Bourne Identity trilogy. I also started and finished a book that Mark's mom suggested (and brought another one home with me). We only took about 3 pictures the entire time, which I'm sure I'll regret later. But otherwiser it was wonderful to hangout and catch up with everyone and bond over the weekend.

But today I'm feeling really sad because Mark flew out 2 hours ago, for 12 days in Germany. He feels good about the potential he might come home earlier, but either way he's gone. I feel like there is a lot happening while he's gone, in addition to the holiday season, which we both really enjoy. It makes me not feel much like decorating since I probably won't spend tons of time at home while he's gone and when he comes home we only have a little over a week before we head to MT for Christmas.

The time right before he leaves it always bitter sweet because you love that you are still together but there's this anticipation of the time apart. I am always a tiny bit relieved when the separation has started and the count down to when he comes home has started. But it's really sad to be apart!! I start thinking about how he won't be next to me in bed, he won't be with me to get ready in the mornings, he won't be there to tease me about silly things and smile at me and laugh at me in the car when I try and sing. He won't be there for me to try and feed or pick up from work or drop off at work or take care of. It's just me.

Those of you who are already single will, I assume, say, "that is nothing! Try living every day like that!" So I'm not down playing anyone else's life. This time often makes me think of Barb or my email friend Addie, who once had it good and now don't. But it sort of doesn't make me feel much better because Mark still won't be there when I get home or be simply a phone call away or just down the road at his work.

So with the strange morning spent dropping him off and breakfast together and now at work with a weird 2 weeks ahead of me and trying to wrap my brain around work after the holiday break, I'm just feeling very off today. I'm always a bit scared to see how I'll feel walking into our place alone for the first time after he's gone and wondering if I'll manage okay or burst into tears and if I'll like being at our place because it makes him feel not so far away or if I'll hate it because it's a huge reminder of the fact that he's gone. This is his 5 trip away since we have been married and I don't like it any more now than the first one.

On a side note, I decided not to paint. I still want my downstairs painted but I have too many other things I need to get done that are much higher priority and honestly, don't have the $100+ it would take for the paint and supplies. So, that project will have to wait for another time!

I'm sure I will think on the bright side and try and focus on the fun things happening over the next 2 weeks, but for right now it just seems super sad and I fight off tears if I think about it and dread going home. I think I'll end up Barb's place most nights.