Update

Yes, I know, it's been a while. But I did return to work... so that's my defense ;) I've been back at work now for 3 months and I can't believe Millie is 5.5 months old!! She's started sitting up, grabbing her feet, rolling to the side (but not over, yet), eating a little rice cereal at dinner, been weaned off her pacifier and being (if it's possible) cute than ever!!

Here are some new pics. Well, they are new to the blog but are from March... trying to pick up where I left off.

Reflection ... the past 7 years

Friday March 5th around 11:30am I sat at a red light on Highway 99 on my way back from run/walking Terwilliger with my running partner, Trisha. I'm in the minivan and Millie is fast asleep in the back seat with the bathrobe belt still supporting her forehead (left over from the run (see 2 blog posts ago), but continuing to support her head from falling forward.

I looked over at the car next to me and it occurred to me that I'm not driving a pick-up, like I used to in Montana or the Mustang that I've enjoyed for the past 4 years. I'm driving a minivan, boring, uninteresting, and completely lost and unnoticeable in the flow of traffic. And I couldn't be happier! I just finished a workout (something that feels like "me" - see last blog post), sipping on a half decaf Starbucks black coffee, with my "splurge" Wendy's frosty in the cup holder next to me, and I looked back at my little one thought about how excited I was to spend the day with her. I love that I wasn't disappointed to not be "free" to do other things or spend my time differently. I'm glad I wasn't overwhelmed by spending the day partly alone with her. But really actually genuinely excited to be with her for the day!

Further up highway 99 I thought about how this road has been in my life since I moved here, 7 years ago. Three months after I moved to Portland, still without a job, I applied at a drive-thru Starbucks only half a mile from my current home. If someone had told me 7 years ago that I'd be happily married for over 2 years, enjoying my 3 month old daughter, and living in a little condo just up the road from where I was doing a job that was my last-ditch-effort, I would have been pretty excited... possibly disappointed it would have taken so long (7 years is much longer than I anticipated these things happening), but still excited.

I also thought back on the route Trisha and I had just finished running/walking, Terwilliger. I used to live quite a bit closer to this route and have run it since I moved here. When I moved to Portland I was signed up to run a race in Spokane with my first running partner, from Montana, in May. So I started training on this route. After that race I stopped running until 2004 when I picked back up again and trained and ran the Seattle half marathon Thanksgiving weekend with my mom, only training for about 3 months (that was hard!). About that same time my boyfriend broke up with me and I remember telling another "potential" guy how I never would want to run a marathon. About that same time in 2004, while looking for more race options with people I knew, I hooked up with Trisha, my current running partner. 2 years later we ran out first marathon. When we started running together we were both single, we met, dated, got engaged to, and married our husbands, all while continuing to run together. We call ourselves accidental best friends because we didn't go into it planning to be friends, just running partners, but spending so much time together (sometimes 4 hours on a training run each weekend), you get pretty deep!

I ran Terwilliger as my midweek run when I worked at the job I had between Starbucks and Sunset. I would change into my running clothes after work, put the top down on the Mustang and drive to Terwilliger, belt out a 3 to 4 mile run and drive home, stopping at the tanning place on the way back. It was on one of those runs that I remember thinking about the guy I had just met and how he'd said he would love to follow me around for a week. 16 months later we were married.

Now I'm back running Terwilliger with my 3 month old baby, who's head is braced against her car seat with a bathrobe belt. My running is significantly slower, I now walk the uphills, but I couldn't be more happy with my little life. I have a terrific husband! A beautiful baby girl! A cute little condo! A tight but manageable budget. I no longer get to drive the Mustang as often, have time to myself, or even get to buy clothes or eat out much. The past 7 years have been quite a journey. I've held 4 different jobs, 2 temporary jobs, 2 relationships, 1 almost relationship, 3 cars, many different ministry positions, lived in 5 different homes, one of which was temporary and one of which I now own, engaged, married, and now with a little baby girl who likes to squeal and talk to me all the time.

So that's my reflection on the past 7 years. I would have never picked this exact route to my current place but am SO thankful that God had something better in mind. In my preferred timing it would have all happened faster and with less occasional heartache. But I feel like I've had so many great experiences, had to rely so heavily on God, learn to be grateful for the things I didn't choose, which have all shaped who I am now and am learning to accept not being in the exact place I pictured 7 years ago. But I'm the first to say that although I always have a plan and think it's the best one, God's plan is certainly better!

What makes me feel like me

Shortly after Millie was born I read a couple different books (not the entire book, just a chapter or page or 2, which is all I've been able to get through) that talked about not losing your identity when you become a mom. Given how much your life is completely revolving around your little one initially, I can see how losing your identity is easy. And I think it actually starts when you are pregnant. I'm realizing that I haven't felt like "me" since I got pregnant, a year ago.

But, I took the advice of these books and have been realizing the things that make me feel like "me". Although I'm not sure I would have known what those things were until I start to do them post-baby.

So here are some of them:

1) Driving the Mustang - I stopping enjoying the Mustang while I was pregnant because it was too uncomfortable on my pregnant body. But wow! The first time I got in that car after Millie arrived, it was SO fun!! I get to drive it at least every other week lately, even for short trips to the grocery store, and love it!! I accelerate too fast, rush around corners when possible, and have been able to put the top down at least once, even just half a mile home from the grocery store.

2) Running and going to the gym - Not that I enjoy either of these activities, but my running partner and I are back out on our long route once a week, run another day during the week and made it to the gym (for the first time post-baby) yesterday morning. We've been running together since before her or I knew our husbands, much less were married with a kid! So it's a piece of me that I have enjoyed bringing back to life since Millie was born. We did continue to hit the gym while I was pregnant, but haven't much since the half marathon last April.

3) Scrapbooking - It's a small thing but Mark graciously made himself available last Saturday so I could scrapbook all afternoon. It was fun to just work on this crafty piece of my life for an afternoon. It's another thing I've done for several years that I've kind of missed since Millie was born (not that I always scrapbooked that often but it's different when the little one you want to scrapbook about doesn't give you enough free time to pick it back up.

4) Time alone with Mark - Definitely not something we've been able to squeeze in much. But getting Millie to sleep in the crib in her own room has helped and her going to bed earlier helps too because we can actually go to bed at the same time. I've missed being able to talk with Mark during little times like getting ready for bed at night and getting ready together in the morning. Last Thursday we went to dinner alone together for the first time since Millie was born. We've been away from her at the same time one other time and that was at his parent's house over Christmas and we ran to Walmart for a quick errand. We were gone 45 minutes and I worried that Millie would need to eat. I don't think she knew I was even gone! But over dinner we were able to debrief our days, eat at the same time, and enjoy some uninterrupted time together. He also let me drive the Mustang, even though we weren't going barely a mile away from Barb's, where Millie was.

5) Doing my nails - It makes me feel special and girlie and put together when my nails are pink. I figured this was something that would have to go when Millie came along. Although it's now dropped to once a week instead of twice a week, I've enjoyed being able to maintain this small thing. Again, Mark helps with this too because he'll take Millie while I do my nails and let them dry.

6) Wearing my yellow shoes - (I'm really not vain, just enjoy these little things ;) I have flat, pointy-toe'd yellow shoes that I've had for over a year and LOVE to wear. I've actually worn them so much they are practically formed to my feet. I was able to wear these shoes while pregnant but I couldn't see them over my giant belly ;) And right after Millie was born I barely got out of my sweats. And cute yellow shoes don't go with sweats, even if they are black ;)

So I'm enjoying adding a few "me" things back into my life and not feeling guilty about it. Most of these things are cheap, some even good for me, and simply take a little time out of my day or a cute outfit to accompany. I'd love to know what other moms do to maintain pieces of themselves...

The things we do to our kids ;)

Let me explain. On our weekend walks/runs with our friends Peter and Trisha, Millie rides in the stroller, mostly asleep. We've found that her head frequently falls forward and bounces around in a potentially dangerous (to her spine) way. We want to keep being able to put her in the stroller so to solve the "problem" we tried this method of loosely bracing her head with a bathrobe belt. It worked great! Looks funny, but worked well ;) She's like karate kid baby ;)

More of life with Millie... because I just can't get enough!

The last you heard from me, I was a little freaked about going back to work. Well, we've been at it for 2 weeks and it's going really well!! Oddly, the biggest challenge is adjusting to our new work environment (they moved our work space to the children's department, which is more "kid friendly"). It's nice to not have pressure to keep quiet and all that, but we're still getting to know our new office neighbors, big and little ;) But so far so good! And I really enjoy keeping Millie with me during the day.

Tonight Mark and I went on our first date without Millie. It was a far cry from last Friday night when we went to dinner and took her with us... she got fussy part way through and tried to eat but wouldn't and then cried and then we got her fed and... so tonight was nice ;) Tonight we went to a restaurant only about half a mile from where Millie was, at Barb's, so we didn't feel like we were too far. We got to sit and talk and enjoy some messy burgers and remember the last time we were there, which was when we had just started dating, talk about how much we enjoy our life and feel like the transition to parenthood is going well, all uninterrupted! Although we always love being with our baby, it was rather sweet to have 1.5 hours out by ourselves ;)

I'm not taking pictures as often because I'm at work during most days but here are some we've taken recently.

Millie is eating her hands all the time these days. She can also grab toys (or whatever is right there), but only really when they are already in her hand. We sometimes put her in the corner of the couch to hangout.

On Saturday's we do a walk/run with some friends (I've mentioned this before). Last weekend Mark decided to try the front pack instead of the stroller (he walks with Millie while I run ahead). Other than the fact that she pee'd through her pants early on (but we didn't know), it went really well! She stayed awake more and really seemed to enjoy it. This picture was taken at the end of the walk when she had fallen asleep.

This is the, "what's that light that keeps snapping at me?" look. But check out those eyes!!

I know this one is blurry, but I love this face! She is also spitting out a little as she tells me something. She is drooling ALL the time!

There's that beautiful smile!!

Tummy time!

After work Millie and I get home by 5 most days and have what I like to call, "Millie time". It's because while at work all day I can't pay as much attention to her so when we get home I try and give her lots of attention, except when I have to be making dinner. I use her as an excuse to just sit and rest a little after work by rocking her and letting her sleep in my arms during her evening short nap.

As if pacifiers aren't hard enough to find when you need them... we call this one the "invisible pacifier" because, in case you can't tell, it can blend well. This is one of about 4 different brands and types of pacifiers currently floating between our home, the diaper bag and my work. Someone had suggested trying a couple different brands to look for one she might keep in on her own. She does keep this one in a little better than some but in the middle of the night, in the dark, it's not the easiest one to find ;)

And this is how we end most evenings. We're pretty excited that Millie is falling asleep by 10 most nights. We put her down shortly after and if she's asleep nice and good, we just wrap up her arms tightly and she's out! Whala! In fact, we try and keep her up for a couple hours before her 10pm bed time and by the time we get her in her pjs and feed her, she sometimes falls asleep within 5 to 10 minutes. Also (less I speak too soon) the past 2 nights I've only had to get up with her once, which is pretty sweet! The first night she slept from 2:30 until after 7. The second night she didn't wake up until 6:30! I don't really expect this will be a habit forever, but it's been nice the past few nights.

Returning to work

It's Saturday night and all I can think about is how on Monday I return to work. I get to take Millie with me, which is pretty cool and I'm really thankful that I have the opportunity to take my baby with me. But I'm nervous about how it will go. I think it will work after we find our groove, but the unknown always scares me. I've so enjoyed my time at home with baby Millie and am a sad that during the time I'm at work my attention will be kind of divided. However, I'm excited about going back to work as well because I really enjoy my job and the people I work with... just the unknown is scary. Trust God... trust God... why is that always so hard to remember?

And because blog posts are just a lot better with pictures, check out my beautiful baby! Now I'm off to feed that beauty and spend the next 45 minutes trying to get her to sleep in her own bed (she likes to suck on the pacifier while falling asleep but can't hold it in herself, so I have to stand there and hold it in for her. And she likes to not stay asleep and wake up every minute or 2 for a while ;) But it's so worth it and I'll look back on these days with such fond memories!! At least she's starting to fall asleep before midnight ;)

Millie's great adventure to Montana

Last Thursday Millie and I flew to Billings, Montana to visit her grandparents and meet Aunt Stini. We left really early so Millie slept through both flights on the way there. I carried her in the sling around the airport and found that it didn't work so great. It's a fantastic sling but hurt my back and Millie likes to look out, which I couldn't figure out how to do in the sling without having hang on to her with one hand (and isn't the point of the sling so you don't have to hang on to them?) So I got a front pack for the way home and it worked WAY better! Millie likes to sleep against your chest or look out, so either position with the front pack worked well. On the way home she was awake for most of the first flight but seemed completely oblivious to being on a plane except her interest in watching people. And she was mildly fussy before falling asleep at the end of the first flight. Although it worked out because even with getting her in and out of the front pack as needed (apparently you can't wear your baby for take off and landing), she slept until we arrived in Portland. All in all she traveled fantastically! Although I ended up a little tired from hauling Millie and all my stuff around the airport. But I seemed to need it all.

We had a great adventure flying and a great time visiting with my parents, Christina, and friends. Here are some pics:

Bonding with Aunt Stini. She told our parents that since she had school and work she got "first dibs" on holding Millie when she was home ;) The first night we pulled a rocker from the office to the dining room doorway to the kitchen so we could rock with Millie and talk with mom in the kitchen. By the way, that's my new hair cut. It's fun!

Millie and Christina playing. Cuddles (the dog) likes to be in the center of everything that's going on so nearly stepped and laid on Millie while trying to get our attention. It was funny.

Millie talking with Grammy.

More talking.

Saturday morning we invited my long time friend Josie and her son and husband to breakfast. We've known each other for over 20 years!! Josie looked great but still feeling somewhat sick, I hadn't gotten dressed or done my hair by breakfast. We had fun reconnecting and meeting eah other's kids. Her little Lincoln is about 20 months.

Later on Saturday mom and I went for our one and only workout (I was supposed to do at least 3, oh well). We borrowed an extra pair of Yak Traks for me to wear since it's snowy there. We did somewhere between 4.5 and 5.5 miles that day walking/running in the snow. It was fun training "Montana" style in the snow.

Millie and Cuddles. When Millie started to fall over a little Cuddles kind of freaked out. Cuddles ignored Millie for the most part. They'll have fun playing more when Millie is older.

Each morning when Millie would wake at some ungodly hour and not fall back asleep, I would bring her up to my parents and enjoy some additional sleep. The first morning it was just after 5am and I guess she sat in their bed and talked to them for a while before falling asleep. The second morning it wasn't until 6. The third morning it was after 7. Although she had originally woken up at 4am and wouldn't go back to sleep but that seemed a little too early. They really enjoyed their time with her each morning and I enjoyed some extra sleep!

Millie 2 months

Millie was 2 months old on Friday the 29th. Wow!! Time has sure flown by!!

Her 2 month appointment was on Monday. She weighed in at 13lbs 14oz and 25in long. The Dr said she is above the 95% percentile on both. Funny kid! She takes after her father... he was over 11lbs at birth! Now I understand why people keep saying she looks big for 2 months. She is!!

This picture was taken a couple weeks ago but is so cute. We just love Millie's little personality that is starting to show. She has come cute funny things she does. All of which we just love to pieces!!

Millie likes to suck on her pacifier before going to sleep. Sometimes she doesn't need it to go to sleep, just during the transition to sleeping time. She still can't hold it in on her own.

This is Millie's nightly routine. She gets rocked for a bit before she goes to bed. Sometimes she falls asleep and sometimes we put her down before she's all the way asleep. But normally Mark rocks with her for a while. She likes her daddy rocking time.

Just a cute picture of Millie. Love these pants on her!

I wish this picture didn't load side ways but it's my current favorite. I have it posted on our fridge. It's just so funny with her little face and finger. She's in the middle of telling us something ;)

Life with Millie - 8 weeks

Millie was 8 weeks on Sunday. Can't believe it's already been 8 weeks!! I remember so vividly the week before she was born and it seemed like she was never coming!! So to already be at 8 weeks is crazy!

Here are some highlights from the past few weeks:

Millie meeting her Uncle JR. We think she was a little overwhelmed by his beard. She was quite amused by him though! JR, Molly and my dad were in town almost 2 weeks ago. It was partly work and partly pleasure. We had a great time with them!

This is Millie in her bath. She likes her bath time! We bathe her pretty much every other night. Last night we actually took the net thing out so she was more in her bath and upright. I think she liked it a little better. Easier to wiggle her legs around. So cute!!

And for the record, I don't really know how to get these pictures upright.

Millie sleeping on Grandpa Rick. Grandpa Rick was great at taking the "early shift" holding Millie when/if she didn't go back to sleep.

Millie meeting her second cousin who is about 5 weeks older than her (yes, he is 5 weeks older). It was fun for these cousins to meet. They were good sports about letting us take pictures.

We had a busy weekend when family was in town. After a family lunch in Salem (where the last picture was taken) we had a gathering at Barb's. Both served as opportunities for everyone to see dad, Jr and Molly, but also to meet Millie. In this picture we swapped "kids" with my cousin Michael and his wife during the dinner at Barb's.

Couldn't help but take a picture of Millie in this really cute outfit!! The leggings were adorable on her chubby little legs ;)

I took this picture on Monday. Millie is starting to suck on her fists. She can't hold them in place long enough to really get soothed by the sucking but she's trying more often. It's so cute and wet!

Mark plays with Millie when he gets home from work. Here they are enjoying time on her playmat with her giraffe friend that she likes to talk to. I love her outfit in this picture! She wears these cute nightgowns to bed so midnight diaper changing is easier. The onesie doesn't entirely match and Mark picked out the socks and likes to pull them up as high as they go so they are more like knee highs.

Millie is doing well at living. She smiles a lot and sometimes carries on conversations with us and we're getting better at reading her signs when she is hungry and tired. We've worked her onto a good daily flow of eating, staying awake, and sleeping. I like it because it helps me know what we're doing next ;) She does still eat about every 2 hours, although easily sleeps through feedings to go as long as 3 or occasionally 4 hours, but only when sleeping. I sometimes think I should keep her awake more during the day but she's so fussy when she's sleepy that I hate to make her stay awake.

Speaking of sleeping, she takes 1 or 2 long naps a day and 1 or 2 short naps. She sleeps best in her car seat (but when she's awake doesn't like the car seat unless it's in motion in the car or stroller), bouncy seat or in your arms. The best way to wake her from a long nap during the day is to try putting her in her bed ;) She still isn't going to sleep before around 11:30 or midnight and I'm slowly working to put her to bed a little earlier (although last night didn't work) and get her to fall asleep in her bed... a work in progress. Within the next week we plan to transition her from the bassinet in our room to the crib in her room. I don't feel emotionally ready to have her out of our room yet. Makes checking on her and nighttime feedings really easy. But we think she is getting a little big for the bassinet (always ends up with her head against one side or the other).

Next weekend Millie and I are heading to Montana for 5 days to visit my parents. I'm excited to travel with her (although a little nervous about how she'll do) and excited for my parents to see her again, but will be sad to be away from Mark.

The big thing for me is going back to work (with Millie) in 2.5 weeks. I'm starting to mentally think about this transition and getting excited and anxious to go back to work. I'm excited to be back at work and be around adults again. But a little anxious to see how Millie will do. My work people are great though and willing to give it a try! I will miss being at home to getting things done during the week like cleaning so we don't have to do it on the weekends. But I will still get Friday's off and am only working part-time.

I'm trying to squeeze in 4 workouts a week. They are either a walk/run by myself or with someone (and Millie), 30-60 minutes each time. Or 20-30 minutes of pilates at home. The pilates is really hard!! But I like the idea of toning along with cardio. Yesterday I signed up for a half marathon on April 11th. Not sure how well I'll do but now I'm committed! The farthest distance of run/walked so far is 3.5 miles so I have a ways to go ;)

More on life with Millie - 6 weeks

Not sure why this picture loaded side ways, but it's cute even with your head turned. I especially like the bow ;)
It's been 6 weeks and I'm cleared to start working out again. Last week I took Millie for a 1.25 mile walk in the stroller. I didn't think it would be much of a workout since I was only walking but with a good sized hill and pushing the stroller, it was brutal!! I couldn't believe how hard it was and how out of shape I am!!

We're supposed to be walk/running a half Marathon in early April so need to get started. So we have a plan to do a walk/run with our good friends Peter and Trisha (my running partner) on the weekends. So Saturday we ventured out to our beloved "long route". Trisha and I did small spurts of jogs while Mark and Peter walked while pushing the stroller. It worked out great! Except that it was hard and I was a little sore the next day.

Not sure how to fit workouts in during the week other than walks when it's not raining and the conditions with Millie are good. But I figure the worst case scenario we can walk most of the half marathon. The point is to get out there again! Peter and Mark are planning to walk it as well and we enjoyed our workout together on Saturday!

After our walk we all went out for breakfast than back to Peter and Trisha's for the guys to play xbox and for us all to hangout for a bit. It's nice to fit Millie into pieces of our life that we've had to take a break from lately.

Millie smiling and talking.

For several days this week we've tried a new schedule with Millie. Well, not so much of a schedule just a better "flow" for the days. It was one I read about before she was born but it didn't seem to work until now. She doesn't follow it completely, but pretty close. It's a 2-3 hour pattern of eating, staying awake and then sleeping (in that order). Although she throws some extra sleeps in there and has a long nap in the early afternoon. But I have to say, it's nice to sort of know what should be happening next. I watch for her signals and what's going on and roll with it. But it's only been a couple days so far. We've also tried putting her to bed earlier. Before we just put her to bed when she fell asleep at a time that worked for us but with this new flow we put her to bed during her sleep time around 8ish. We are trying to do about the same thing every night so she'll be familiar with the routine and know what time it is, time for bed! She'll wake up after only a couple hours and I'll feed her again and then we take turns staying up to rock her to sleep, when she'll sleep for her 3-4 hour time block.

Millie isn't doing any kind of sleeping through the night. She normally has a good 3 or 4 hour sleep but is otherwise up every 2 hours. I still haven't figured out how to put her back to sleep during the night if she doesn't do it automatically while eating. It's hit and miss for her to fall asleep on her own if I put her down when she isn't quite asleep. It's kind of amazing how you can go to bed early, get up kind of late, and still not feel like you sleep enough! Of course, being up multiple times a night for various lengths of time might be why ;)

This picture doesn't have anything to do with the schedule, I just think it's cute ;)

Life with Millie

Millie certainly keeps us on our toes!! We came back from 1.5 weeks in Whidbey with Mark's family feeling pretty confident about our parenting abilities. So much time with extra hands will do that to you! She also did great on the drive sleeping almost the entire time and when she wasn't sleeping she contentedly looked around... it helped that I sat in the back seat with her when she wasn't sleeping.

However, the first night we were home, Millie cried for over 2 hours! We tried everything we thought could help and nothing worked so we just took turns holding her and trying to comfort her and she eventually settled down.

That Monday was a little hard as I transitioned into being home alone with her again. However, some breaks hanging out at Barb's helped and a few activities that week.

Here we are snuggling ;)

Millie has started smiling in the past week! It's SO cute!! She smiles all the time when you talk to her and melts our hearts like butter. There is nothing that makes getting up in the middle of the night more worth it than a smiling baby.

Millie had also started talking to us! She makes several different sounds and moves her face and looks at you so intently we are convinced she thinks she is actually telling us things. It's adorable!!

And who could resist these eyes?