The Tension

It seems that every stage of life has a bit of tension. When I was single there was the constant tension of "when will it happen?" Of wanting to learn to be content in the moment while being open to the future. After Mark and I started dating there was a tension about whether or not we'd get married. Then the tension of what would married life be like. Next was the tension about when do we have kids. Then, when will we actually get pregnant. And now, the tension of living in the soon-but-not-yet world. It definitely reminds me of being engaged and wondering how I'd feel on our wedding day and how our first few days, weeks, months and years of being married would be like. Easy? Hard?

I'm not sure if other people feel the tension so much. I always struggle with wanting to move on to the next thing. I know it's going to happen, so lets just get there and get it started! Of course, life generally doesn't function on my ideal (a bit too fast) time frame.

In some ways, the tension is always the same and is always present. It's not between me and other people. It's between 'now' and 'tomorrow'. My desire to move on to 'tomorrow' when I need to learn the be content and enjoy 'now'. How long did I desire to be in this stage and tension of life when we weren't getting pregnant all those months? Now I'm here and nearly wishing it all away. Even in the early stages of pregnancy when I wanted so badly to be showing and for the world to be able to tell we're expecting a little bundle of joy and now it's obvious and I'm wishing it to be gone as soon as is safely possible.

So right now we're (mostly me) in the middle of the tension between enjoying the way things have been for the past 2 years, but excited for what the next phase of our life with a baby will hold. When will she come? How will I feel on that day? What will the first few days, weeks, months, and years be like? Will it be easy or hard?