Purpose

Since my last blog title sounded almost like a confession, I feel like this one should, "I struggle with purpose".

I supposed it is like a confession. I struggle with purpose. I always have. When doing a "nothing" job I wonder what contribution I'm making to the world and when I have a purposeful job, I wonder why I don't feel like I'm making more of an impact.

Working at a church as an admin is difficult in that you aren't as close to the action. I feel like I can see how everyone around me could feel a sense of purpose, but I don't really. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my job (yes, even making copies), there is something rewarding about checking things off my list every day. Right now I have a little bit invested in a lot of things that it doesn't feel like I have one single focus.

But I DO have a single focus... God! I just don't know what that looks like when I wake up in the morning. Last night I didn't have to do anything. In fact, that is how I spent my weekend so last night I didn't feel like just sitting on the couch was the way to go (literally, that is what I did for half of Saturday), so I opted for working on a sewing project. But when you wake up the next morning knowing that you did nothing to contribute to the world the night before, or all weekend, then you wonder... "what the he** is my purpose?"

I don't struggle with purpose all the time and I definitely don't just sit on my couch all the time. Last weekend was a rare slow one and I loved it!! But in the days where purpose seems a far off thing and the dreams you make up that seem like would make your life feel like it has purpose (e.g. "if only I was doing blank, then I'd have purpose"), don't happen... what do you do?

In my peacemaking study (by the way, I don't have an answer to the aforementioned question), they talk about how conflict can reveal idols (a.k.a. good desires gone bad) and I feel like that's what my current struggle for purpose is doing. Something I want, isn't happening, and it makes me frustrated. My frustration examined reveals a desire that I've elevated to a demand, need, etc. My good desire needs to be let go of, brought captive back to God, and my knees back on the floor as I desperately plea with God to help me let go of my idol, desire, and even hope for tangible purpose, and trust that what he says in Psalm 84:11, "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless". And although my walk is far from blameless, I don't think he withholds something good from me (even though that's what it feels like). Oh why does it always feel like what I want and what God wants are so far off???

I do poorly at everything I just mentioned. I don't trust God. I don't get on my knees. I don't look to him as my purpose. I am not content. I am never satisfied. I get discouraged that I will never be content or satisfied. I am always seeking after something. I always think my new thing will make me happy and solve all my problems. And this is the truth. I am convinced I will never know my purpose. I am convinced that God doesn't intent me too. That his intention (or purpose) is exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm not succeeding, failing, or anything. I'm just living. Granted it's pathetic sometimes and a poor excuse for a Jesus follower. But this is the best I got. And I think that's all he wants.

I like to not feel like I'm failing so I think that if all of that is really true, then I feel better ;)