Restless

I joke about getting this restless syndrome from my dad. If that's true, then I find it endearing and like sharing it with someone who I really love and respect.

Restless is this thing I get occasionally when life is moving along well. Or, when I'm in some emotional distress and want to escape. But I think I put a cap on that version a while ago and only consider the former version the "real" one and the second merely and escape I try not to feed into. I would sometimes prefer to escape something then face it head on. Although with Mark I work really hard to face things straight on. He's been good at helping me learn not to run.

Right now I'm the restless where I'm ready for the next thing.

Sometimes this feeling is a great catalyst to move me on to explore uncharted territory (at least for me) and moves me to action. It's the action that helps me make decisions about things I was otherwise simply floating around in my head.

I've probably had 10 different ideas float around in my head lately.

I like to pick certain ones and explore them a little. I'll put out feelers, ask Mark, ask friends, see where it goes. If the urge doesn't die away with resistance or time, it's my indication that I might be on the right track.

However, it's hard for me not to grasp on to one specific idea and although it's good, build it into more than it really is. I can fixate on it and determine that this is the answer to my restlessness. I think I gave Mark the impression that he was the answer (at least last year). So now that my restlessness has returned even after he married me, he's perplexed. I try to remind him that we knew this wouldn't solve my eternal restlessness and we joke that he knew what we was marrying and we try and remember that just because I'm restless doesn't mean I'm not blissfully happy with our little life together, I very am!! I'm just excited for the next thing.

Eternal restlessness is what it is.

As my restlessness has reared it's head again I keep thinking about the talk Barb and I gave last December at Overflow (the high school program). We talked about this very subject, being fulfilled in God and not things. I even talked about how I get restless. I like acknowledging that it's an eternal thing, even though that doesn't help it subside at all.

So I'm restless with an eternal restlessness. Actually, I don't think it's literally going to last eternally but the feeling itself is on some level holy in that it's related to God. He is the one who seems to have given me this feeling. Sometimes I think it's simply to remind me that he is here to meet my restlessness and sometimes I think he really uses it to spur me to action. I like to think he gives me things to work towards that help the feeling subside a little and also give me an outlet for this feeling that feels like it could eventually drive me crazy.

Although I have to admit I have an exceptionally difficult time deciphering if the feeling is simply to remember to go to God and exactly what that looks like or if it's because I'm supposed to do something. Or perhaps I have missed the boat on this thing all together!!

I guess this is just where I'm at right now.