God thoughts today... in the raw

This is how I felt earlier today. Now, I'm feeling better. Female hormones, you never know what they'll do next!! Hah! Although I have to say that even though this isn't how I'm feeling right now, this is how I feel sometimes. So although not true in the current moment, they are still true. Right now I'm thankful for the reprieve from feeling the way I write below ;) God must have already answered my prayer!!

Barb always says, "it's not about Joe Bob (or whoever I'm frustrated towards), it's more about you". This generally comes on the heels of me expressing how if so-and-so would just do ... then my life would go better. But she's right in that I'm reacting more out of myself then what the other person did/didn't do. If I didn't want it so much or act like I needed it, then why would I be so upset at not getting it?

I think the same thing happens with God. I get frustrated when he doesn't do something I want or does something I don't want, "God, if you had only done ... then my life would be better". The truth is not about God, which is what I want to convince myself of. It's just me throwing a temper-tantrum about why I didn't get the thing I seem to think I NEED.

James 4:1 "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?" I'm having an internal fight over a desire that I'm not getting. It's as if my God-man and my flesh-man are duking it out and I get to will the winner. They spar, throwing punches back and forth, getting hit in the gut, the face, kicked in the shin and their arms bent, almost breaking under the pressure of their opponent.

Just as with Christ vs Satan, I know who the winner will be in the end. But for some reason it gives me a sense of cruel comfort (so I think) to allow my God-man to get beat up a little before allowing him to win battle. And just as Christ did for us, he allows himself to take it. I throw a frustrated word, an angry heart, a curse word and shaking fist in his direction, hateful thoughts before I drop to my knees.

Why is my reaction to hurt, good healthy and real hurt, anger and frustration? Wouldn't letting my God-man wrap his arms around me instead of pushing him into a fight with my flesh-man, be of more comfort?

Go for it God-man! Pummel my flesh-man and win this battle before I keep willing another match! Help me let you touch my heart and wrap your arms around me before I push away in anger for not giving me what I think I need when you have already given me everything I DO need Psalm 84:11 "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."