The beginning of one dream normally means the end of another

I sat in a meeting at the end of my work day today and realized that with this beloved child I'm excited to welcome into the world in 3 months, (which is absolutely a dream I've had forever!) it means the end of another dream.

Being a mother is probably the only most consistent dream I've ever had. I'm scared to death but thrilled to be entering this phase of my life. But as I sat in this meeting tonight I realized that it means the end of any career dreams I may have had for... a long time (by choice, of course, I realize I could be a mother who also works a full-time job, but I really don't want to).

The reality is that I've almost never had career dreams. I've never known what I wanted to be or had any real aspirations. Which might explain why I never really made it very far ;) The only thing I ever imagined being while growing up, was a wife and mother. When I hit my early twenties and began to realize that dream may not come true very soon, I started thinking of some other options. I clung to Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." And nearly fell over when I finally realized that the "desires of my heart" may not mean what I thought they did. So I started re-examining my heart looking for other desires God may have put there (I was otherwise quite focused on my desire for a husband). I found a huge desire to serve, work with students, and plan events. All of these desires had a perfect piece in my life during the past 9 years (although I didn't realize the truth about that verse until probably 5 years ago).

A little over 3 years ago, after I turned 25 and bought myself the Mustang that I claimed was my substitute for a man, I met my husband. A year later we got married and have been married for almost 2 wonderful years! One of my greatest desires (although not filling everything within me, as it shouldn't) was beautifully met in a way better than I had dreamed!

One and a half years ago I got what I had thought was my dream job... coordinating events for a church which combined my love for event planning (still not sure where this came from) and my love for the church. However, 6 months later the job ended with the first of several rounds of budget cuts. I found myself in a part-time position with the same church that I dearly love, doing something that I'm reasonably good at but doesn't satisfy nearly any of my passions or gifts (although I'd like to think you can learn to be passionate about some things you wouldn't have otherwise).

So I sat in a meeting tonight realizing that I don't contribute in many ways to what is happening in the ministry I work with. Although I do my job well and I'm highly valued among my team (I never doubt this fact, they are fantastic people!), my role is 95% tasks. I don't doubt that it serves people, frees others up to focus on volunteers and relationships, but its not "me". I'm thankful that God has given me an opportunity to serve in this role because I accepted it, embraced it, and have not looked back, trusting that this is where God has placed me. I love the people I work with, enjoy my job, and take delights in things as simple as completing a task more efficiently than the week before.

I've wanted to have a baby so badly! After my part-time position started I suggested to my husband that a baby would fit naturally into my now free life and schedule. We took some time to think about it and eventually got started ;) After 8 challenging months, we got our wish. A little girl, who even though I don't know her, wouldn't trade her for all the amazing careers in the world! At the same time, I know that I'm loosing a dream. Which is funny because I never would have thought my desire to "do something" would even remotely hold a candle to having a baby, but I think I learned to love these desires that I didn't understand. The ones God revealed to me when I realized that him giving me the "desires of my heart" may not be a husband and children.

Of course, I don't see myself living as a mother who spends her days tending to her children and home (not that there's anything wrong with that). I'm too social for that. I look forward to probably joining a mom's group and looking for ways to help organize events or something of that nature. Maybe not right away, but eventually, if the opportunity arises.

So back to the meeting. I sat there tonight and realized how for the past year I haven't been living out the dream or really any desire I thought I had. At least not the one that I might have imagined I might be living. Walking back to my office I thought about how having a baby is one of my longest hopes and desires and I'm so thankful that it's finally happening (even though I'm scared out of my mind, appropriately so), I have to acknowledge that I'm a little sad that this means a few dreams and desires may not be realized or at least put to the side for a long time.

I am curious about how God will weave together all I've done and what's ahead into whatever I'll be doing in the future. On some level I love the burn he puts inside me to ooze my creative juices. Wedding coordinating and event planning on the side have definitely helped to satisfy these areas when my career wasn't it. And the "burn" has definitely gotten less intense with the baby on the way. But I know that even that desire won't be squelched for too long before I'm looking for the next thing, constantly working to make sure it's not in place of God. Besides, isn't the burn supposed to help bring us closer to Him? That's probably the one thing I miss about being single, the burn was so intense!

I think I used 'dream' and 'desire' interchangably. As I mentioned, I never really had a dream of anything career wise, but did have other desires in my heart when I started looking around for them.