In a good way, I feel like I'm at the end of myself. I feel like I've done all I can. As I stood in church this morning singing great songs and letting the sound and feel of the music wash over my ears and the spiritual sound of the song wash over my heart I felt like God was affirming where I am. As if he was saying, "yes, this is where I want you, don't worry, I'll take care of things."
Last night Mark and I drove home after going to see Twilight (finally!) at the cheap theater with some good friends and then hanging out for a bit at their place afterwards. As we drove, my imagination ran away and I imagined something in my life I truly desire (a good desire). I let myself think of what it would be like for our lives to have this new path and I dreamed of when...
We walked in the door and I went upstairs, pausing, and thinking what could be. And I cried. It was a good healthy cleansing cry. The type that you let yourself experience as you mourn the loss of what you had hoped would be or what should have been. Mark gave me a hug and kiss and wiped my tears away and I knew in my heart that I was at the end and was letting God take it from here.
So this morning's worship was good for my soul. I have found more joy lately in where I am at... even though it's not where I thought I would be in life. But it's super fun! It's wonderful with my husband in our little house with our little routines. It's fun to drive my Mustang, work concerts, and anticipate coordinating weddings. It's interesting to attend a class again (got an A on my first test last week) and to try and do what I do well.
But I want to remember this place. I want to enjoy my joyful days and allow myself the emotion of the rough days. And invite God into them all.
Now we're off to Barb's to catch up on tv for the week and have dinner together.
4 thoughts from other people:
Hey, Carrie! I know I experienced a similar worship experience yesterday at Rocky. I hope that is more encouraging than discouraging for you during this time, in that God's presence and His love is there for us always. Even though the trials and struggles do not disappear over the years, He allows us to grow and mature as we face each new one...and praise Him for the many answered prayers that remind us of His grace and goodness. Praying for you this week,
Love you Carrie girl! I am at a similar place of life not being as I dreamed it would be at this point, either. It is a constant discipline to refocus and let-go like that. I often wonder why I keep returning to that same yearning for a different story outcome. Maybe it is human nature. Maybe it is my weakness. Whatever it is, I am so glad that God is so very gracious with me and shows me how to let go, again and again. You are in my prayers, dear one.
Your words, "But I want to remember this place. I want to enjoy my joyful days and allow myself the emotion of the rough days. And invite God into them all." -- they are inspired. Very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing your journey.
ah care. I know you wrote this over a month ago, but it makes my heart glad. It's such a great place to be - content where the Lord has us. I know it's a constant battle, and I'll be praying for you. It's time to catch up...will you be working on Friday?
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