Reflection ... the past 7 years

Friday March 5th around 11:30am I sat at a red light on Highway 99 on my way back from run/walking Terwilliger with my running partner, Trisha. I'm in the minivan and Millie is fast asleep in the back seat with the bathrobe belt still supporting her forehead (left over from the run (see 2 blog posts ago), but continuing to support her head from falling forward.

I looked over at the car next to me and it occurred to me that I'm not driving a pick-up, like I used to in Montana or the Mustang that I've enjoyed for the past 4 years. I'm driving a minivan, boring, uninteresting, and completely lost and unnoticeable in the flow of traffic. And I couldn't be happier! I just finished a workout (something that feels like "me" - see last blog post), sipping on a half decaf Starbucks black coffee, with my "splurge" Wendy's frosty in the cup holder next to me, and I looked back at my little one thought about how excited I was to spend the day with her. I love that I wasn't disappointed to not be "free" to do other things or spend my time differently. I'm glad I wasn't overwhelmed by spending the day partly alone with her. But really actually genuinely excited to be with her for the day!

Further up highway 99 I thought about how this road has been in my life since I moved here, 7 years ago. Three months after I moved to Portland, still without a job, I applied at a drive-thru Starbucks only half a mile from my current home. If someone had told me 7 years ago that I'd be happily married for over 2 years, enjoying my 3 month old daughter, and living in a little condo just up the road from where I was doing a job that was my last-ditch-effort, I would have been pretty excited... possibly disappointed it would have taken so long (7 years is much longer than I anticipated these things happening), but still excited.

I also thought back on the route Trisha and I had just finished running/walking, Terwilliger. I used to live quite a bit closer to this route and have run it since I moved here. When I moved to Portland I was signed up to run a race in Spokane with my first running partner, from Montana, in May. So I started training on this route. After that race I stopped running until 2004 when I picked back up again and trained and ran the Seattle half marathon Thanksgiving weekend with my mom, only training for about 3 months (that was hard!). About that same time my boyfriend broke up with me and I remember telling another "potential" guy how I never would want to run a marathon. About that same time in 2004, while looking for more race options with people I knew, I hooked up with Trisha, my current running partner. 2 years later we ran out first marathon. When we started running together we were both single, we met, dated, got engaged to, and married our husbands, all while continuing to run together. We call ourselves accidental best friends because we didn't go into it planning to be friends, just running partners, but spending so much time together (sometimes 4 hours on a training run each weekend), you get pretty deep!

I ran Terwilliger as my midweek run when I worked at the job I had between Starbucks and Sunset. I would change into my running clothes after work, put the top down on the Mustang and drive to Terwilliger, belt out a 3 to 4 mile run and drive home, stopping at the tanning place on the way back. It was on one of those runs that I remember thinking about the guy I had just met and how he'd said he would love to follow me around for a week. 16 months later we were married.

Now I'm back running Terwilliger with my 3 month old baby, who's head is braced against her car seat with a bathrobe belt. My running is significantly slower, I now walk the uphills, but I couldn't be more happy with my little life. I have a terrific husband! A beautiful baby girl! A cute little condo! A tight but manageable budget. I no longer get to drive the Mustang as often, have time to myself, or even get to buy clothes or eat out much. The past 7 years have been quite a journey. I've held 4 different jobs, 2 temporary jobs, 2 relationships, 1 almost relationship, 3 cars, many different ministry positions, lived in 5 different homes, one of which was temporary and one of which I now own, engaged, married, and now with a little baby girl who likes to squeal and talk to me all the time.

So that's my reflection on the past 7 years. I would have never picked this exact route to my current place but am SO thankful that God had something better in mind. In my preferred timing it would have all happened faster and with less occasional heartache. But I feel like I've had so many great experiences, had to rely so heavily on God, learn to be grateful for the things I didn't choose, which have all shaped who I am now and am learning to accept not being in the exact place I pictured 7 years ago. But I'm the first to say that although I always have a plan and think it's the best one, God's plan is certainly better!

What makes me feel like me

Shortly after Millie was born I read a couple different books (not the entire book, just a chapter or page or 2, which is all I've been able to get through) that talked about not losing your identity when you become a mom. Given how much your life is completely revolving around your little one initially, I can see how losing your identity is easy. And I think it actually starts when you are pregnant. I'm realizing that I haven't felt like "me" since I got pregnant, a year ago.

But, I took the advice of these books and have been realizing the things that make me feel like "me". Although I'm not sure I would have known what those things were until I start to do them post-baby.

So here are some of them:

1) Driving the Mustang - I stopping enjoying the Mustang while I was pregnant because it was too uncomfortable on my pregnant body. But wow! The first time I got in that car after Millie arrived, it was SO fun!! I get to drive it at least every other week lately, even for short trips to the grocery store, and love it!! I accelerate too fast, rush around corners when possible, and have been able to put the top down at least once, even just half a mile home from the grocery store.

2) Running and going to the gym - Not that I enjoy either of these activities, but my running partner and I are back out on our long route once a week, run another day during the week and made it to the gym (for the first time post-baby) yesterday morning. We've been running together since before her or I knew our husbands, much less were married with a kid! So it's a piece of me that I have enjoyed bringing back to life since Millie was born. We did continue to hit the gym while I was pregnant, but haven't much since the half marathon last April.

3) Scrapbooking - It's a small thing but Mark graciously made himself available last Saturday so I could scrapbook all afternoon. It was fun to just work on this crafty piece of my life for an afternoon. It's another thing I've done for several years that I've kind of missed since Millie was born (not that I always scrapbooked that often but it's different when the little one you want to scrapbook about doesn't give you enough free time to pick it back up.

4) Time alone with Mark - Definitely not something we've been able to squeeze in much. But getting Millie to sleep in the crib in her own room has helped and her going to bed earlier helps too because we can actually go to bed at the same time. I've missed being able to talk with Mark during little times like getting ready for bed at night and getting ready together in the morning. Last Thursday we went to dinner alone together for the first time since Millie was born. We've been away from her at the same time one other time and that was at his parent's house over Christmas and we ran to Walmart for a quick errand. We were gone 45 minutes and I worried that Millie would need to eat. I don't think she knew I was even gone! But over dinner we were able to debrief our days, eat at the same time, and enjoy some uninterrupted time together. He also let me drive the Mustang, even though we weren't going barely a mile away from Barb's, where Millie was.

5) Doing my nails - It makes me feel special and girlie and put together when my nails are pink. I figured this was something that would have to go when Millie came along. Although it's now dropped to once a week instead of twice a week, I've enjoyed being able to maintain this small thing. Again, Mark helps with this too because he'll take Millie while I do my nails and let them dry.

6) Wearing my yellow shoes - (I'm really not vain, just enjoy these little things ;) I have flat, pointy-toe'd yellow shoes that I've had for over a year and LOVE to wear. I've actually worn them so much they are practically formed to my feet. I was able to wear these shoes while pregnant but I couldn't see them over my giant belly ;) And right after Millie was born I barely got out of my sweats. And cute yellow shoes don't go with sweats, even if they are black ;)

So I'm enjoying adding a few "me" things back into my life and not feeling guilty about it. Most of these things are cheap, some even good for me, and simply take a little time out of my day or a cute outfit to accompany. I'd love to know what other moms do to maintain pieces of themselves...

The things we do to our kids ;)

Let me explain. On our weekend walks/runs with our friends Peter and Trisha, Millie rides in the stroller, mostly asleep. We've found that her head frequently falls forward and bounces around in a potentially dangerous (to her spine) way. We want to keep being able to put her in the stroller so to solve the "problem" we tried this method of loosely bracing her head with a bathrobe belt. It worked great! Looks funny, but worked well ;) She's like karate kid baby ;)